stagner

| to stagnate (verb) | /stagne/

A bottle of champagne sits in the fridge, awaiting some cause for celebration. Its presence saddens me, but it was expensive, so I fight the urge to mix it with Aperol or sip it aimlessly on the couch. I am tired of cooking two meals a day. I am tired of not finding fresh basil at the supermarket. I suggest buying a basil plant and placing it on the balcony, but Alex shakes his head sadly and points to the phallic mini cactus growing sideways from its tiny magnetic pot on the fridge. Ah, yes. I had forgotten that everything I touch turns to ash. The strident sounds of child play wax and wane as the dull sunlight filters through the living room windows and traverses the linoleum. I attempt to impose upon myself some perfunctory routine, awaking at the same hour each day, sipping coffee, and scrolling through headlines before commencing the soul-crushing process of the job hunt. I hopelessly fling my CV into the ether and compulsively refresh the platforms every few seconds before it’s time to cook. Chicken again. Or eggs? Caprese salad? Fuck, there’s no basil. I read, my ability to devour books the only task that provides me with some semblance of productivity. Then I find myself cycling through the same toxic thought process. I have failed. Look at me. Look at what I have done. Look at what I have failed to do. I am unworthy. What have I done what have I done what can I do who can help me now. No one. Its trite, repetitive tone rings pathetic to my ears. My inner monologue resembles the self-deprecating language of an ascetic zealot grovelling at the feet of some apathetic deity. I try to astral project myself to another time or place, giddily plucking cellophaned hunks of cheese from the 2-euro bin at Monoprix. Or watching the Parisian sky explode in hues of fuschia as the sun sets along the Seine. And amidst all of this, people living their happy lives: promotions and job security and new apartments and babies and boyfriends and girlfriends and home ownership and job offers and the Earth rotating on its axis as I alone remain frozen in place.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

masque

| mask (masculine noun) | /mask/

In the midst of this pandemic, our societal infrastructure and sense of normalcy have deteriorated. I am desperate and unemployed. In the face of such instability, I strive to articulate the positive. No, I am not planning a quarantine glow-up. I will not reappear ten pounds lighter with a radiant complexion and a shiny, amber mane. I have not learned to play a concerto or speak Tagalog, Mandarin, or Farsi. I have not adhered to my daily meditation practice or mastered a split.

But I have cooked a boeuf bourguignon, perfected my patience as the cubes of seared meat fell apart and the scent of wine permeated our apartment. We have made stuffed bell peppers and frittatas with bacon and thick slices of goat cheese. I have made chocolate chip cookies so buttery that we had to chug a liter of water after eating one with our afternoon espresso. I’ve read sixteen books and consumed countless cups of coffee. I’ve relished caffeine highs while basking in the mid-afternoon sun and wept silently as the days passed grim and torpid in this lorn, provincial place. There were days when the sky felt heavy, as if it too were forcing us into confinement. I uncharacteristically smoked (half) a cigar one afternoon when I felt particularly reckless, when, numbed by days devoid of distraction, my dopamine cravings were so intense I could feel my brain kindling like a puck of self-lighting charcoal. I’ve led digital dungeon raids and mixed bogus negronis: Campari and lemonade. I have drunkenly danced to equal parts Fleetwood Mac and Arizona Zervas, delirious leaps and pirouettes punctuated by thirsty sips of leftover wedding champagne. Indeed, I have sung and stretched and fasted and fed. I have learned that my husband loves to write, and he has taught me how to brew beer d’abbaye. One Sunday, we coaxed the hoppy sludge through a plastic colander as we crouched on the kitchen floor. I burnt my fingers and cursed. I have listened to podcasts about medieval executioners and contemporary serial killers, if only to remind myself that the world was already a nightmare hellscape before this all began.

I will not leave quarantine with a tangible proof of progress, evidence of self-actualization, or an acquired skill. I’m not even sure I’m happy for the quarantine to end, to witness the simulacrum of normalcy that will be erected in its stead. I have ordered an assortment of cloth masks in floral vintage prints. Before boarding the train to Paris, I will secure the giddy fabric around the lower half of my face. As the hills of Lorraine slide past my window, I will wonder at how much has changed, or if I have really changed at all.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

rêverie

| daydream (feminine noun) | /ʀɛvʀi/

When I am overcome by the scent of stale coffee and the grim, overcast sky, our suffocating reality, and the stagnant view from our kitchen window, I imagine an alternate existence, one in which I am in Japan, on the trip Alex and I had planned for the end of April. We hoped to see the cherry blossoms bloom. When I close my eyes, I am there, inhaling their sweet perfume and wondering at the snow-capped mass of Mount Fuji. I roam the surreal, cyberpunk aesthetics of Tokyo streets and hysterically sip saké in crowded bars. We furiously attempt to decipher the Japanese subway signs, a task not unlike the puzzles we contemplated during the long, listless days spent at our apartment. We succumb to impulse and scurry through the metro doors.

In another April, another May, I am sunbathing along the Seine, sipping lukewarm Burgundy wine and discussing the merits of contemporary fiction. I am dancing, then rushing toward the bus stop in the rain. In another springtime, so distant from our own, I am walking along Pont Alexandre III, craning my neck to glimpse the resplendent Iron Lady, gasping when I see her. Though I have seen her countless times before.

In another June, another July, I am celebrating my thirtieth birthday in Malta or Jordan. Somewhere endlessly warm and faraway. I see myself donning a silk scarf, the one my sister gifted me after visiting the ateliers of Lyon. I walk through the ancient city of Petra, topaz and ruby against a glorious sky of blue. There is sand in my shoes, beneath my fingernails, clinging to my burnt scalp. A fine dust settles within the crevices of my outstretched palm. Thirty years: a myopic period of time when perceived against the vast history of this place.

In another August or September, I am eating candied dates and baklava in a bed strown with rose petals. I sight the passage of an oryx while lounging by the pool and sip tiny espressos in a room that overlooks the Al Wadi desert. I remember thinking that the sky had never looked so enormous, that I had never been so hot. My skin glistens with sweat as I pedal along the dusty bike paths, marveling at the fecund palms heavy with the cries of exotic birds of impossible hues.

I open my eyes and gaze toward the kitchen window, toward the same deserted playground and overgrown lawn that I have watched and considered for the past nine weeks. I close my eyes, and these four walls fall away again. I am swimming in the Adriatic; I am weaving through the labyrinthine mountain roads of Southern Appalachia, singing as the dirt trails send me lurching forward; I am sloppily devouring falafel in Budapest; I am laughing as the Beffroi de Lille chimes heavily, and I am relishing the taste of a cool, Belgian beer.

Oh, yes. I am there, or there, or there.

I am anywhere but here.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

elle

| her (pronoun) | /ɛl/

You loved to watch her read. But you feared the storm that lingered beneath the surface of her smile. Indeed, her eyes betrayed a certain sadness, stemming, perhaps, from the realization that her life would never mirror the fantasies found between the pages of her books. And her staccato nights, fuelled by equal parts panic and epiphany, threatened everything. You wondered if she weren’t unlike a child, who shaped a structure to send it crashing to the ground. She pressed her face to window panes and yearned for a faraway somewhere. She spoke a language you did not understand, a language laden with longing. Hers were symbols fashioned of sorrow and shame. You had accepted long ago that she could not be kept. She was her own. She rode caffeine highs and benzo lows, and you waited ’til she could ride those whirling wakes no more. She measured her life in intervals—telling herself, if she could just survive this day, a week, one month—and before you knew it, a year had passed. Yes, a whole year had passed as you strove to solve the coded strain of her sacred smile and the glory of her harrowed gaze.

Posted in Random | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

horreur

| horreur (feminine noun) | /ɔʀœʀ/

This is my seventh year in higher education, and I’ve just learned that the highly disturbing, fucked-up books I love so much actually belong to a respected literary genre, the contemporary American Gothic; I have thus decided to refine my professional and academic research to this genre and become somewhat of a “horror scholar.” I love all types of literature, but I’ve always been fascinated by psychoanalytical literary theory and representations of mental illness in literature. As a child, I marveled at my father’s psychiatric texts, never realizing that my interest was bizarre for a girl of thirteen. And, preferring literature, I’ve never been much a cinephile, but I’ve developed a deep passion for horror films as I’ve grown older. Conducting research in this field has been a journey in self-discovery, and I’m continually asking myself why I so adamantly love a genre that most find appalling.

As someone who’s wrestled with those vicious demons of the psyche, I’m always eager to explore new forms of escapism, anything that doesn’t leave me feeling emptier than before. While most people seem to find that delicious escape in comedies and romance, these films only depressed me further. They don’t reflect reality, at least, not one with which I’m familiar. For me, watching these films only served to underline the contrast between a delightful delusion and a bitter reality. And I cannot cope with that great distance. At the film’s end, I was left feeling dejected and alone, instead of happy and fulfilled, the way I thought I should be.

The horror genre may be equally fantastical, but it often explores the undeniably real and disturbing facets of the human condition. Horror films enthrall me. They are able to capture my attention in a way no other films can. For those two hours, I am consumed with terror, and the film’s dénouement is addictive in its catharsis, like wakening from a nightmare to find you’re safe in bed. Edmund Burke, whose treatise to Gothic writing was central to the development of the genre, stated, “Whatever is fitted in any sort to excite the idea of pain, and danger, that is to say, whatever is in any sort terrible, or is conversant about terrible subjects, or operates in a manner analogous to terror, is a source of the sublime; that is, it is productive of the strongest emotion which the mind is capable of feeling.” In this way, terror transports us; it consumes us, suspending our faculties of reason. I believe, as human beings, we must acknowledge and address the darkest, most depraved tendencies of our kind. Do not close your eyes.

Posted in Random | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

figue

| fig (feminine noun) | /fig/

I originally considered writing my master’s thesis on Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar. But rereading the novel and devouring research on the fragmented female identity, as portrayed in Plath’s novel, resonated too much and sent me spiraling. If you’re unfamiliar with the book, The Bell Jar chronicles the emotional breakdown of Esther Greenwood, an intelligent, highly-ambitious young woman living in the 1950s. The text was originally published under the pseudonym Victoria Lucas, because it is an autobiographical account of Plath’s struggle to reconcile society’s dualing ideas of femininity: the nurturing housewife and the successful career woman. Written at the height of the second-wave feminist movement, Plath believed that these two “personas” were mutually exclusive.

Using the image of a fetid fig tree, Plath outlines her dilemma as follows:

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”

Plath’s story saddened me, because I identified so closely with her inability to unite these supposedly “dichotomous” expectations of herself. Plath never succeeded in doing so, and she committed suicide at the age of 30.

I finally stepped away from my research and chose another topic. Sentimentalizing the work was breeding an unhealthy relationship, and I knew I couldn’t continue.

But I wonder, if a fig tree stood before me prophesying my future, what would I see? Perhaps one fig would be a renowned scholar and professor of comparative literature. Another would be a loving mother in a cottage in the French countryside. Or maybe a private school teacher in the mountains of Vermont, where I see myself sitting on a porch sipping sour beer and stroking my dog. One fig might be a travel writer whose feet have treaded the sands of Senegal and admired the hillside cabins of Poland and India and Peru.

But unlike Plath, I do find myself reaching toward one of these fruits. My fingers graze the surface, and as it snaps from its branch, my hands begin to shake. While these futures aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive possibilities, there are sacrifices to be made. And I find myself questioning my ability to choose. How do I know I’m not making a grave mistake?

And my isolated locale distorts my perception and amplifies my fears like a strange and horrible reflection in a funhouse mirror. I am alone in the mountains, my only companions the hot sun and the endless sky. I wonder if I’ll feel more confident once I’m in Paris. Or maybe I’ll find myself gazing out a window and wondering, “And if I had chosen the other fruit?”

Posted in Life in France, Travel | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

lire

| to read (verb) | /liʀ/

In two months, I will take up my studies again and prepare a second Master’s degree in Anglophone literature. My imminent re-entry into academia has made me contemplate the reasons why I chose to study literature so many years ago. It’s an easy answer. Indeed, after so many people questioned my decision to major in English and French literature (“What the hell are you going to do with that degree?”), I quickly grew accustomed to defending my choice.

Since I was a little girl, I knew I wanted to be a writer. Of course, there were phases during which I also wanted to become a relentless Harvard lawyer or an empathetic psychiatrist or a ground-breaking epidemiologist…but those dreams were short-lived, and I always found myself coming back to books. Because science and math never made sense to me the way literature did. How could there only be one possible answer? And no room for interpretation? A and B don’t always equal C…life is so much more complex than that, isn’t it? These subjects made me feel restless and confined. For example, I didn’t enjoy writing lab reports for my mandatory chemistry courses in college, because I couldn’t insert my personality, my voice, into those assignments, and the writing felt hollow and sterile.

And reading formed the foundation to my self-confidence at a young age. I was a fretful and introverted adolescent who envied her friends’ effortless beauty and affability. I’ve never self-identified as beautiful, and I’ve never been particularly athletic or artistic either. And in small town East Tennessee, this translates to “invisible.” I thus decided to cultivate my intelligence, reasoning that, if I couldn’t be beautiful or athletic or artistic, perhaps I could be smart (not that these qualities are mutually exclusive). To me, intelligence was a trait that no amount of loneliness could strip away.

To this day, I find myself fighting self-deprecating remarks with reassurances that I am so much more than just a body. And as the voices grow louder, screeching their profanities, I think back to a quote by James Baldwin: “You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, who had ever been alive.”

Posted in Random | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment